The Fear of Being a Writer

Have you ever been afraid of the thing you want most?

You know how silly that sounds, but to get near it would be to ruin it. So you daydream about it and doodle about it, but never take action, never go after it to make it yours.

I’m not talking about love or traveling or quitting your job or any of those other seemingly clique topics.

I’m talking about writing.

Ever since I was in elementary school, I’ve been writing. I used to keep a journal that I wrote in every day. My entries would be pages on pages long, describing my easy-going day, my secret crush, or how mean the popular girls were.

My journaling lasted until right before I went to college. I would still write here and there, but my entries were never as detailed or as interesting. I wasn’t doing it because I loved it, I was doing it because I felt like I had to.

Fast forward to now, I’m almost seven months out of college and haven’t picked up my journal in who knows how long. But I think about it a lot. I think about this blog a lot, too. And when I think about them, I realize something–I am terrified of them.

I’m terrified to put my pen to the paper because I don’t know what will come out, or what won’t come out. I’m terrified to open a new post on this site because I’m afraid of how I’ll come across, or how I want to come across.

Despite this fear, I want to write so badly. I think about writing every day. But thinking about something without actually doing it only leaves you feeling half full.

It’s one thing to dream up awesome writing ideas, but it’s another thing to actually turn them into something I can be proud of sharing.

When I come home from work, I always want to write, but I come up with excuses. I don’t have enough time, or I have too many other things to do. In reality, writing is easy if you want to do it. My good friend recently told me a quote by Kurt Vonnegut: If you openwindow and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia

It took a lot of courage and pumping myself up to write this post that is mostly for me, but that quote tells me that writing for an audience will only disappoint you. So I’m going to take a tip from Vonnegut and write for me and I hope that you, the reader, will want to stick around as I conquer my fear and rediscover this whole writing thing.

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