Unpopular Opinion: Adele Sucks

***This is a satire post. I do not actually enjoy bashing celebrities or anyone for that matter.***

Amidst all of the Adele praising and worshiping, I had a revelation.

Adele kind of sucks.

I’m not talking about her voice or her music, because those are both lovely. She has the voice of a British angel that is only lifted up by wonderfully powerful melodies. But that is exactly why we are unable to see how terrible of a person she actually is. We are blinded by the music, her sorrow-filled and quivering voice telling of the familiar desperation of love with each note she hits in her latest single ‘Hello.’

But if you listen to the words of the song and try to tune out the melodic disguises she drapes them in, you will learn that Adele is selfish, insensitive, and a bit passive aggressive.

When the song starts, those sobering piano keys lead the unassuming listener to think that Adele has, once again, gotten her heart broken. I mean, given her track record of chart-topping heartbreak songs, like ‘Someone Like You’ and ‘Set Fire To The Rains,’ it isn’t hard to believe that the song ‘Hello’ is really about her traveling down Memory Lane and wanting to make peace with an ex who wronged her for closure, which isn’t entirely off. She does seem to be seeking closure, but not the kind of closure that heals a wound inflicted by someone else. She’s seeking the kind of closure that comes when you’re ‘sorry for everything that I’ve done.’ The kind of closure needed to feel better about yourself after you have broken someone’s heart. Shame on you, Adele.

We the listener don’t know what Adele has done to break this dude’s heart, but whatever it was must have been bad enough to make her feel the need to call him at least 1,000 times to apologize.

When he doesn’t pick up all 1,000 or more times, she assumes that either:

1. He isn’t home.
2. He isn’t torn up about the issue AKA doesn’t care about the fact that she wants to apologize for breaking his heart. Cue passive aggressiveness.

We all know the truth, though: this dude was totally (and understandably) screening her calls—which, by the way, does not mean call 199 more times. Take a hint, Adele.

Call me crazy, but I would assume that the dude might be trying to move on with his life, as one does after having one’s heart broken. Or maybe he is still healing and just isn’t too concerned about providing closure to the woman who hurt him by giving her the OK to apologize. No need to get all snarky about it, Adele, by calling him out.

We get it, she’s sorry. But on top of being sorry, she’s also pretty self-centered and insulting. When Adele finally gets him on the phone (or maybe his voicemail), she throws tiny, selfish jabs, talking about herself and asking if he is still living in his old town, which, according to her, is where nothing ever happens. But I guess that’s probably everywhere compared to sunny California where she’s blowing his phone up nonstop from.

Maybe she is just lonely or turning over a new leaf. When we’re lonely or in a transitional phase in our lives, sometimes we reach out to an old flame, hoping to get another chance or right a wrong. But there’s a way to do it, Adele. You must proceed cautiously and with sensitivity when it comes to making amends with exes, otherwise you risk coming off like a wacko ex (calling approximately 1,000 times) or a tool (getting all passive aggressive when he didn’t pick up or return her approximate 1,000 calls. I think she achieved both in this case. Being in a forgiving mood does not justify that behavior. I think I prefer the Adele who got her heart broken and acted like a crazy ex over the Adele who broke a heart and still reacted like a crazy ex. Just saying.